The Healing Process of Loss and the Holidays


After the sudden loss of our daughter, we were warned by other grieving parents of the “dreaded holiday season.” Our family had always enjoyed our Christmas fanaticism, the neighborhood lights competitions, and the many annual traditions we practiced. Having had loss thrust on us suddenly, Christmas needed reconstructing. I attribute this one sane response to our family’s dependence on Christ since there is no other logical explanation for a season when all seems illogical. The old traditions were too painful so it became evident that we were going to have to create a new normalcy for the holidays. Because it had always been our tradition to hang the old handmade tree ornaments made by our children over the years, pulling those precious keepsakes out for me as a mom was devastating. We had several discussions with our sons and agreed that for at least a couple of years, we were going to keep the tree in temporary retirement.

Whether it is a tree or some other family heirloom that reminds you of the loved one you have lost, thinking of putting those types of triggers out of sight in advance of the holiday season could help to alleviate some of the stressors that may negatively affect your raw emotions.

However, that did not mean we were going to force our boys to sit around the house glum-faced. A friend passed along a timeshare that first Christmas so we visited an island in South Carolina, a new experience for us all that created a fresh memory. We were surprised at how a change of scenery lifted our hearts out of the doldrums. The condo came with a full kitchen and we all cooked something different and fun, but not laborious.

After several years, my holiday spirit did return, the ornaments were pulled out, and I was glad to return to our old Christmas traditions.

The best gift a grieving person can give to himself or herself is permission: permission to change traditions, to create new normals, to kindly say “no” to social settings that place high expectations on you. 

Another painful truth you might remember is that people who love you might be afraid of mentioning your loved ones name. Over time, whenever possible I gently dispel this myth to anyone who will listen. My daughter’s name is the sweetest sound to my ears. I carry her with me everywhere I go, so when I noticed everyone around me holding back from mentioning her name, it created an emotional deficit. So my husband and I agreed to mention her whenever we want and sometimes that is almost every day. 

Your grief is your own and deciding what is best for your present state of mind should be kept within boundaries that you decide. 
Love and Peace,
Patty

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 19, 2011 at 7:23 AM

    Thanks for sharing this today. I never would have thought about "changing" the traditions for a season. I understand "Jessie's Tree" in a more personal nature now. Have a Blessed and most wonderful Christmas no matter where you spend it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. margieDecember 19, 2011 at 10:31 AM

    Patty, I so agree with all you said in this post. We are rapidly approaching the 6th anniversary of our son's death. Holidays, birthdays, and special events are always difficult. With every marriage of a son, daughter, niece, or nephew...with every birth of a new grandchild, grand niece or nephew...or friends and extended family...we are reminded again of all the things our Alex never got to experience or enjoy. The most hurtful thing of all is when no one ever mentions his name anymore as if he has been put away and forgotten. He is forever written on my heart, and as with you, he goes everywhere with me. My husband and I always talk about him. I take great comfort in knowing that Alex is spending Christmas in Heaven once again...that my Daddy and my husband's Dad are there with him...that he has met the great-grandparents he never knew, that he knows my baby brother I never got a chance to see...that he is not gone but living a more abundant life than I can even begin to imagine, and that he is not in my past but waiting for me in the future...as David said, "Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23

    margie at mijares dot net

    ReplyDelete
  3. Patty HickmanDecember 20, 2011 at 5:25 AM

    Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom. Bless you on this blessed and holy season.

    ReplyDelete

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